I can't do this anymore.

Don't complain to me if you're just going to yell at me when I try and give you advice. If you're messed up and complain to me about it, don't say shit like "YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PERSON TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT'S BEST FOR ME!" after I give you advice that makes perfect sense. You don't have to do what I tell you, but don't explode on me if you're the one who started the conversation. Obviously it's just some stupid kind of "cry for help", and let me tell you, after WEEKS of talking you through suicide, panic attack and insomnia shit
TRYING TO HELP GETS OLD.
I'm sorry you're fucked up. I'm sorry all this shit is happening to you. But if you're going to yell at me for giving advice,
I AM NOT GOING TO CARE ANYMORE.

The Mind Works In Mysterious Ways

I hope I made that title up rather than just pull it out of the depths of my mind, because it's pretty sweet.


Anyway.


I think it's quite interesting how the mind associates certain sounds, scents, tastes, sights or feelings with certain times or things that have already happened. Ex: The pina colada scent I sometimes use reminds me of listening to Taking Back Sunday while getting ready for swim practice in the summer, whereas the minty scent I have reminds me of those trips to Schaumburg to shop at Woodfield with Paris while mom and Grant go to Dore last winter. The song "Take Me Home, Country Road" by John Denver reminds me of going on family car trips when I was very young. Whenever I eat a granola bar it reminds me of when I was about four or five and I would sneak granola bars out of the pantry when my mom wouldn't let me have one. When I go under a table it reminds me of being in pre-school as a three year old and looking at a book with little jewels glued onto the pages with all of my friends.

Maybe you don't believe me when I say I can remember things That far back. Oh well.

I wonder if you really can remember everything, it's just a matter of reminding yourself. I think I read something similar to that in a book somewhere.

What's also funny is when I have these random "memories" that I don't even think are mine at all. Just something my imagination came up with. I remember being in a room with green carpet and white walls. I remember being on a house boat. I remember playing with legos with someone under my dining room table as a very young child. I remember sitting in the back of a police car. Those made up memories aren't very clear, and I don't know whether they actually happened or not, but the seem very real to me. Maybe they were from a dream... I don't know. I wish I could figure it out.



That's all I really have to say, I guess.
Happy blogging.

So I havn't blogged in a while. I knew this would happen.

What to write about... what to write about... man, nothing's going on.

Went on an adventure with Alora, Michael and Alejandro to Custard Cup, the mall, Family Video and a gas station the other day. Then I went home and got sick, which resulted in me not being able to go to Miranda's party for Kalipb. Sad sad. I was probably just dehydrated.

Swim meet last Saturday. We won. We always win.

Saw Ratatouille with Parker last night. Pretty okay.

Concert Friday at the Moose Lodge. It will probably be boring.

Going to work with mom on Monday or Tuesday of next week. That's always fun. She works at the University of Illinois. I am going to be taking pictures for the newsletter she writes. I'll probably go get coffee and one of those rad chocolate muffins from Bevande.

And I had the freaking weirdest dream last night. I was running through the woods and there was this Native American person sitting on a rock eating Chinese food. And then out of no where she was holding this knife and was saying she was going to kill me, so I ran and hid in a playground. Then my mom walked up to the playground and I told her about the crazy person who tried to kill me and she didn't believe me. After that she said it was time to go to Camp Ondessonk, so we went and when we got there, I realized I forgot my Lodge sash! It was horrible. Other stuff happened, but it's too weird to describe.

My dreams seem to always be incredibly strange. Maybe because I'm an incredibly strange person... ?

Happy Blogging.

Thank You For The Venom.

You'll know who you are, if mentioned.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for always being my friend. Thank you for the coincidence of us both getting broken up with on the same day.

Thank you for practically FORCING me to pick up my guitar again. Thank you for Cheering me up so much. Thank you for staying on the phone with me for hours over the past few nights. Thank you for telling me that Nothing was my fault. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for the picture. Thank you for the song. Thank you for not complaining about the fact that I tend to cry a lot. Thank you for not telling me that I need to get over it. Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for helping me get my mind off things. Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for the silly comments and the goofy actions. Thank you for making me laugh when I needed it.

Thank you for telling me, "The only reason you are sensitive is because you have the heart of an artist." Thank you for always telling me that everything will be okay.

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for Always Understanding me. Thank you for the great conversations we have together. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for all the hair bleaching/dying tips. Thank you for your witty humor. Thank you for always being there, even when you're far away.

Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for understanding depression. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for always being yourself.

Thank you. Really, thank you. Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for showing me that things aren't always perfect. Thank you for helping me realize that I cannot trust people as easily as I used to. Thank you for introducing me to the shitty side of things. Thank you for the emotions and the realizations. Thank you for the illusions. Thank you for the lies.

Boys Have Problems.

It seems as though my problems with the male species are getting worse.

Seeing a picture of me and my boyfriend before him "hurt" him.
Seeing his ex with her new boyfriend made him jealous.
He tried to make out with another girl (yes, while we were dating.)
Apparently I couldn't hang out with him ALL THE TIME.
He lied to me. A lot.

And yes, I am VERY sure he doesn't still "love" me.

Agenda Suicide

Kids, NEVER break up with someone over MySpace. EVER.

Everything was fiiiiine with me and Zach. TOTALLY FINE. And last night, totally out of the blue, he sends me a MYSPACE message that goes like this:

"alex i want to be single for a while.im sorry. i know u love me and i really love you but i just want to be single for a bit. i dont want it to totally end here. i want us to go back out again sometime but for now i want some single time. i was really scared to do this cuz ur gonna be mad at me and everyone is going to hate me. but please dont hate me. i still want to be friends."

YOU CAN NOT SEND YOUR GIRLFRIEND A MYSPACE MESSAGE SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO BREAK UP. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A SHITTY REASON LIKE THAT ONE.

And what I don't get, though, is that it was TOTALLY RANDOM. And then he has to add the part about "i don't want it to totally end here." Like I am really going to go out with him again. I still love him, but he obviously has NO IDEA how much he hurt me.

I don't want to still love him. I feel really stupid that I still do.

But then again, if he has to break up with me over MySpace, he probably didn't love me that much.

Today he didn't talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him. But I do know that there were a LOT of people harassing it about it. I feel really bad about that. But I swear I had NOTHING to do with it.

After school Miranda called him to yell at him or something. Apparently, his side hurt so much that he couldn't even walk. He could barely talk to her on the phone. His mom took him to the hospital. I havn't heard anything yet. Now, I am really worried. I feel stupid, though, for worrying, because he hurt me so much that I feel like I shouldn't have any sympathy for him.

I feel so stupid. I feel like I wasted his time.

I now know that he broke up with me because he just didn't love me anymore. But why couldn't he have told me that in the first place? It hurts me even more that he lied to me.

I was talking to one of his ex's. I don't know her that well, but she did tell me (in the nicest way possible) that when he has a girlfriend, a lot of the time he breaks up with them and looks for someone better, and if he can't find anyone else, he'll go back to the last person.

I just feel so stupid.

Going To A Sullivan Show Is Like Taking A Shower.

Played at the Edge yesterday with Fesseden and the Fall of Icarus. Great show.

Krista and I got there a little before seven, when the show was supposed to start. But you know how it is... always a half an hour late. I introduced her to all my friends there. No one she knew was there. But that's most likely because it was Schlarman's prom tonight, and everyone was there.

We decided to head over to Sullivan's merch table because we both really wanted t-shirts and I was also supposed to buy one for Paris, since mom wouldn't let her come with me and Krista to the show. It was awesome, because Brooks (the singer of Sullivan) was selling the shirts. We talked to him for a little while, bought our shirts (mine's gray with kind of a blue x-ray of a man in a suit and the one I bought for Paris is back with white, blue and green designs. they both say "Sullivan", of course...) and then headed over to the stage.

The Fall of Icarus played first. They were pretty good... not really my style, though. But still good.

Next came Fesseden, who are really great. I don't

own any of their music or anything, but I always enjoy seeing them. They also sang this awesome song that went like this, "Pray for snacks, thank God when you get 'em 'cause people in *insert impoverished country name here* don't always get snacks." It was cool.

And finally, Sullivan played!! Krista and I were standing right at the front of the stage. At one point, the bass player was playing so close to us, I thought he was going to hit us with his bass! And, of course, Brooks did that thing where he throws water all over the place. Going to a Sullivan show is like taking a shower. Minke got hit with a water bottle first, and then the same bottle bounced off her and hit me in the head! I suppose I could consider it an honor. And at least the bottles aren't glass!

I took many pictures and videos with my phone. Of course, they all suck, but I tried. I really need a new camera.

Happy Blogging.