I can't do this anymore.

Don't complain to me if you're just going to yell at me when I try and give you advice. If you're messed up and complain to me about it, don't say shit like "YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PERSON TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT'S BEST FOR ME!" after I give you advice that makes perfect sense. You don't have to do what I tell you, but don't explode on me if you're the one who started the conversation. Obviously it's just some stupid kind of "cry for help", and let me tell you, after WEEKS of talking you through suicide, panic attack and insomnia shit
TRYING TO HELP GETS OLD.
I'm sorry you're fucked up. I'm sorry all this shit is happening to you. But if you're going to yell at me for giving advice,
I AM NOT GOING TO CARE ANYMORE.

The Mind Works In Mysterious Ways

I hope I made that title up rather than just pull it out of the depths of my mind, because it's pretty sweet.


Anyway.


I think it's quite interesting how the mind associates certain sounds, scents, tastes, sights or feelings with certain times or things that have already happened. Ex: The pina colada scent I sometimes use reminds me of listening to Taking Back Sunday while getting ready for swim practice in the summer, whereas the minty scent I have reminds me of those trips to Schaumburg to shop at Woodfield with Paris while mom and Grant go to Dore last winter. The song "Take Me Home, Country Road" by John Denver reminds me of going on family car trips when I was very young. Whenever I eat a granola bar it reminds me of when I was about four or five and I would sneak granola bars out of the pantry when my mom wouldn't let me have one. When I go under a table it reminds me of being in pre-school as a three year old and looking at a book with little jewels glued onto the pages with all of my friends.

Maybe you don't believe me when I say I can remember things That far back. Oh well.

I wonder if you really can remember everything, it's just a matter of reminding yourself. I think I read something similar to that in a book somewhere.

What's also funny is when I have these random "memories" that I don't even think are mine at all. Just something my imagination came up with. I remember being in a room with green carpet and white walls. I remember being on a house boat. I remember playing with legos with someone under my dining room table as a very young child. I remember sitting in the back of a police car. Those made up memories aren't very clear, and I don't know whether they actually happened or not, but the seem very real to me. Maybe they were from a dream... I don't know. I wish I could figure it out.



That's all I really have to say, I guess.
Happy blogging.

So I havn't blogged in a while. I knew this would happen.

What to write about... what to write about... man, nothing's going on.

Went on an adventure with Alora, Michael and Alejandro to Custard Cup, the mall, Family Video and a gas station the other day. Then I went home and got sick, which resulted in me not being able to go to Miranda's party for Kalipb. Sad sad. I was probably just dehydrated.

Swim meet last Saturday. We won. We always win.

Saw Ratatouille with Parker last night. Pretty okay.

Concert Friday at the Moose Lodge. It will probably be boring.

Going to work with mom on Monday or Tuesday of next week. That's always fun. She works at the University of Illinois. I am going to be taking pictures for the newsletter she writes. I'll probably go get coffee and one of those rad chocolate muffins from Bevande.

And I had the freaking weirdest dream last night. I was running through the woods and there was this Native American person sitting on a rock eating Chinese food. And then out of no where she was holding this knife and was saying she was going to kill me, so I ran and hid in a playground. Then my mom walked up to the playground and I told her about the crazy person who tried to kill me and she didn't believe me. After that she said it was time to go to Camp Ondessonk, so we went and when we got there, I realized I forgot my Lodge sash! It was horrible. Other stuff happened, but it's too weird to describe.

My dreams seem to always be incredibly strange. Maybe because I'm an incredibly strange person... ?

Happy Blogging.

Thank You For The Venom.

You'll know who you are, if mentioned.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for always being my friend. Thank you for the coincidence of us both getting broken up with on the same day.

Thank you for practically FORCING me to pick up my guitar again. Thank you for Cheering me up so much. Thank you for staying on the phone with me for hours over the past few nights. Thank you for telling me that Nothing was my fault. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for the picture. Thank you for the song. Thank you for not complaining about the fact that I tend to cry a lot. Thank you for not telling me that I need to get over it. Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for helping me get my mind off things. Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for the silly comments and the goofy actions. Thank you for making me laugh when I needed it.

Thank you for telling me, "The only reason you are sensitive is because you have the heart of an artist." Thank you for always telling me that everything will be okay.

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for Always Understanding me. Thank you for the great conversations we have together. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for all the hair bleaching/dying tips. Thank you for your witty humor. Thank you for always being there, even when you're far away.

Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for understanding depression. Thank you for all the hugs. Thank you for always being yourself.

Thank you. Really, thank you. Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for showing me that things aren't always perfect. Thank you for helping me realize that I cannot trust people as easily as I used to. Thank you for introducing me to the shitty side of things. Thank you for the emotions and the realizations. Thank you for the illusions. Thank you for the lies.

Boys Have Problems.

It seems as though my problems with the male species are getting worse.

Seeing a picture of me and my boyfriend before him "hurt" him.
Seeing his ex with her new boyfriend made him jealous.
He tried to make out with another girl (yes, while we were dating.)
Apparently I couldn't hang out with him ALL THE TIME.
He lied to me. A lot.

And yes, I am VERY sure he doesn't still "love" me.

Agenda Suicide

Kids, NEVER break up with someone over MySpace. EVER.

Everything was fiiiiine with me and Zach. TOTALLY FINE. And last night, totally out of the blue, he sends me a MYSPACE message that goes like this:

"alex i want to be single for a while.im sorry. i know u love me and i really love you but i just want to be single for a bit. i dont want it to totally end here. i want us to go back out again sometime but for now i want some single time. i was really scared to do this cuz ur gonna be mad at me and everyone is going to hate me. but please dont hate me. i still want to be friends."

YOU CAN NOT SEND YOUR GIRLFRIEND A MYSPACE MESSAGE SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO BREAK UP. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A SHITTY REASON LIKE THAT ONE.

And what I don't get, though, is that it was TOTALLY RANDOM. And then he has to add the part about "i don't want it to totally end here." Like I am really going to go out with him again. I still love him, but he obviously has NO IDEA how much he hurt me.

I don't want to still love him. I feel really stupid that I still do.

But then again, if he has to break up with me over MySpace, he probably didn't love me that much.

Today he didn't talk to me. I didn't want to talk to him. But I do know that there were a LOT of people harassing it about it. I feel really bad about that. But I swear I had NOTHING to do with it.

After school Miranda called him to yell at him or something. Apparently, his side hurt so much that he couldn't even walk. He could barely talk to her on the phone. His mom took him to the hospital. I havn't heard anything yet. Now, I am really worried. I feel stupid, though, for worrying, because he hurt me so much that I feel like I shouldn't have any sympathy for him.

I feel so stupid. I feel like I wasted his time.

I now know that he broke up with me because he just didn't love me anymore. But why couldn't he have told me that in the first place? It hurts me even more that he lied to me.

I was talking to one of his ex's. I don't know her that well, but she did tell me (in the nicest way possible) that when he has a girlfriend, a lot of the time he breaks up with them and looks for someone better, and if he can't find anyone else, he'll go back to the last person.

I just feel so stupid.

Going To A Sullivan Show Is Like Taking A Shower.

Played at the Edge yesterday with Fesseden and the Fall of Icarus. Great show.

Krista and I got there a little before seven, when the show was supposed to start. But you know how it is... always a half an hour late. I introduced her to all my friends there. No one she knew was there. But that's most likely because it was Schlarman's prom tonight, and everyone was there.

We decided to head over to Sullivan's merch table because we both really wanted t-shirts and I was also supposed to buy one for Paris, since mom wouldn't let her come with me and Krista to the show. It was awesome, because Brooks (the singer of Sullivan) was selling the shirts. We talked to him for a little while, bought our shirts (mine's gray with kind of a blue x-ray of a man in a suit and the one I bought for Paris is back with white, blue and green designs. they both say "Sullivan", of course...) and then headed over to the stage.

The Fall of Icarus played first. They were pretty good... not really my style, though. But still good.

Next came Fesseden, who are really great. I don't

own any of their music or anything, but I always enjoy seeing them. They also sang this awesome song that went like this, "Pray for snacks, thank God when you get 'em 'cause people in *insert impoverished country name here* don't always get snacks." It was cool.

And finally, Sullivan played!! Krista and I were standing right at the front of the stage. At one point, the bass player was playing so close to us, I thought he was going to hit us with his bass! And, of course, Brooks did that thing where he throws water all over the place. Going to a Sullivan show is like taking a shower. Minke got hit with a water bottle first, and then the same bottle bounced off her and hit me in the head! I suppose I could consider it an honor. And at least the bottles aren't glass!

I took many pictures and videos with my phone. Of course, they all suck, but I tried. I really need a new camera.

Happy Blogging.

OK Go

is FANTASTIC live!! I suggest EVERYONE go see them. Even if you don't like them or don't know who they are, you would have a GREAT time at one of their shows. It was DEFINITELY the BEST concert I've ever been to, and that's saying a lot (considering I've seen The Used, 30 Seconds To Mars, Green Day, Saosin, Jimmy Eat World and Sullivan, to name a few...).

The show started at 7:30, with a local Champaign/Urbana band playing. They were pretty good. It was funny because they had played around seven songs and still hadn't told us their name, so this random girl yells out, "WHO ARE YOU!?". They told us. I forgot.

Paris and I were EXTREMELY excited when OK Go came out. They played ALL of my favorites ("Invincible", "You're So Damn Hot", "A Million Ways", "Don't Ask Me", "Television, Television", "Get Over It", "Here It Goes Again" and "Do What You Want".) And of course, they played a LOT more songs than just those.

At one point, they all came down to the middle isle and everyone crowded around them and they played a few songs acoustically like that. It was really cool because it made it feel like they were human, too. You know, when you go see a band you love in concert and they're on the stage the whole time... they seem almost like they aren't real. Or the seem inhuman or something. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

When they played "Don't Ask Me", they threw tamborines out into the audience. I just thought that was worthy of mentioning.

At one point, Damian was talking to the crowd, and then he just says "Did you just say 'take your pants off?' I'm starting to wonder what we mean to you people. I mean, I know we're those assholes from the treadmill video, but I didn't think we were strippers." And there was another time when he was mentioning how slippery the stage was. That was entertaining.

They played their "last" song, ("Here It Goes Again"). I was kind of unfufilled, because they still hadn't played "Do What You Want", which was what me and Paris were most excited to see. But everyone still clapped and cheered and screamed even after they walked off stage. The lights didn't turn back on. People kept screaming. And finally, after about two minutes of non-stop cheering, they came back out. They played a cover of a song, and then they played "Do What You Want" for the real last song. Me and Paris were so happy. We were standing in the isle instead of our seats with a ton of other people, so we were dancing and singing and everyone was having a great time.

Oh and sorry the pictures are so crappy and pixely. I was using a camera phone.

Happy Blogging. (and concert-going!)

Ondessonk CIT... OFFICIALLY!!

I am OFFICIALLY a Camp Ondessonk CIT for summer 2007!! HEEPWAH!!
I got my letter today. I'm going to be a handicrafts major. Surprising, because that was my first choice, and I heard from a few people that you rarely get your first choice.
I. CAN'T. WAIT.

The AP Show and iWhatevers.

I love the AP Show. I just decided to download the podcast a few weeks ago because I always saw it on XM, but never had the chance to listen. And my oh my, (ew. I shouldn't say that again.) 'tis spectaculary! No, I didn't mean to type "spectaculary", but it works. So I won't fix it.

They play LOVELY, overlooked and underplayed music. Aaaand the two DJs are hilarious. Which always helps.

If you have iTunes, I suggest you go download it. Now.

Oh and another thing. I really, really HATE it when people type/write "Ipod" or "IPod" or "Itunes" or "ITunes" or something like that. The "I" is NOT capitalized, and the second letter of the "iItem" ALWAYS is. If you aren't going to type it the right way, do not type it at all. Please. For my sanity.

Screamo Shows and Insane Boyfriends.

I pretty much just decided to babysit for my neighbors over going to a show. That's not normal. Buuuuut I suppose it's okay, since most of the local bands are stupid screamo-hardcore-metal crap. Too much of that stuff gives me a headache. Plus, the venue that the show was being held at is always full of smoke. And this week, I have no tolerance for moshers or hardcore dancers.

OK Go concert is on THURSDAY!! And I have no one else to be excited with besides Paris because either people aren't going or they have no idea who OK Go is. Crazies.

My boyfriend is insane. He gets so jealous over little things like me hanging out with my friends. Especially when I hang out with Miranda... maybe it's because he and Miranda have known each other since, like, birth. But STILL. It's not like I'm cheating on him.

Sigh.

Happy Blogging.

Lovely Comments and Advice from the Underworld

Wear sunscreen.
Don't litter. It makes you look trashy.
Read a book.
Believe it or not, I have a life, too.
Showers are your friends. So is deodorant.
You seem pretty nice to me. I don't know what everyone else is talking about.
Be direct.
When I tell you to stop, you better stop. I got people, and they won't be nice.
Make sure I know what you're talking about.
Don't be jealous over silly, little things.
Don't ask me.
You aren't invincible.
You aren't Rick James, either.
Fire is fun to look at, but don't touch it.
We already know: Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Care Bears and Pokemon are AWESOME.
Say "please" and "thank you".
Looking both ways before crossing a street is always helpful.
I don't care about what Jerry did with Marry, and I don't care about what Larry said about Sherry.
Don't make fun of people.
It's not funny when you make fun of a teacher or mess with a sub. It's just annoying. And quite immature.
Stop complaining.

Sunny Sundays

It is sunny. It is Sunday.

I rode my bike over to Alora's house. She showed me her little brother's new puppy, Tod. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh he is the CUTEST little puppy in the world!! Sooooo adorable.

After we were finished playing with Tod, we set out on the long walk to Custard Cup. We stopped at Miranda's house to see if she wanted to walk with us, but she could only come out and talk for a little because she had to go to Krista's art show at DACC. But it was nice talking to her.

We got to Custard Cup, ordered overly priced ice cream, had some water, and then decided to walk to the mall.

In the lame empty building that is the Danville Village Mall, we visited Teresa at Sears, went to the book store (okay, so it was me dragging Alora into the book store...) and watched a guy play guitar.

Man, I am wiped out from today. I walked/biked a LONG way!! And I'm way out of shape since it's not swimming season...

Happy Blogging.

Plays Pretty For Baby

Now you kids can NOT tell me that's a Saosin song. That's definitely a Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer song.

You see, it all started on the day of... yesterday. I was bored looking for guitar tabs and I thought to myself "ZOLOF THE ROCK & ROLL DESTROYER!" So I looked up "Plays Pretty for Baby" on ultimate-guitar.com, and all that came up were Saosin songs. I was extremely confused and slightly disappointed, but I decided to check it out anyway and GUESS WHAT. SAME SONG.

How did this confusion start? It's on a Zolof album, for crying out loud.

I hate it when people say "for cyring out loud".

Happy Blogging.

Firsty.

Mmmm... rhymes with "thirsty".

I love writing my first blog at a new website and then never writing in the blog again. But I already promised myself that wouldn't happen. I promised myself that I wouldn't start a blog and then forget about it three hours later.

I suppose I'll write about this yesterday and today:

Yesterday was Friday. We got out at 11:50, so that was great. I cleaned my room when I got home and then called the lovely Miranda to hang out. She came over, we played guitar, went on a walk, called Zach, frustrated Zach, ate pizza, downloaded guitar music and so on.
What did I do Friday night? I don't remember. Oh, yes I do. Zach called and we talked and I painted two pictures. Two down, two more to go.

Today was (and still is, I guess...) Saturday. I've had a horrible head ache all day due to lack of coffee. I started on another painting. Hung around outside. Played guitar. The usual. I was going to ask Zach if he wanted to see "Disturbia", but then I found out I had to go to church and out to dinner with (well, most of) the family.

*End of talking about today and yesterday...
**Randomtime.

Disturbia looks pretty good, although it's incredibly hard for me to take Shia LaBeouf seriously. I always think of Louis Stevens and Stanley Yelnats whenever I see him now.

Oh man, next week is going to be concertcrazy!!
On Thursday, I'm seeing OK Go at the University of Illinois, which will be REALLY fun.
On Friday, there's some show at the Mooselodge, which will be okay. I don't really like Moose shows, because all the bands are stupid screamo shit, (pardon the language.) and the air is not even oxygen - just a thick layer of cigarette (and probably pot) smoke.
On Saturday, me and Krista shall be going INSANE because Sullivan (!!!) is going to be playing at the Edge with Fesseden and some other band. I forgot what the other band was. Heh.

Well, today was a beautiful day, and I hope tomorrow is nice, too. Maybe I'll call Alora and we'll walk to Custard Cup. I'll probably paint some more. Finish those other two paintings... And I'll definitely play guitar, because I do that every day. Oh, and I garantee you I'll start my homework at nine PM and finish it at eleven, because that always happens.

Happy Blogging.